My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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