john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
