I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
