Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
