There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
