the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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