Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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