oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
