my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
