my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
