yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
