I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
