I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
