help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
