found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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