I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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