I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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