Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
