I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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