Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
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