I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
