I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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