I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
