I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
