just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
