Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
