We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
