Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
BRING THE BAGELS
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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