I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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