dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
