Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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