you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
