This dress was meant to end up on your floor
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
