Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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