You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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