Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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