Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
