So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
