I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
