Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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