The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
