I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
