dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
