I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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