yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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