apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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