we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
