Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
