Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize