no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
