dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
