I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
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