yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
