I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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