how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
