now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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