I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
