I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
