I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
