i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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